Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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