i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
