If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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