i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
