My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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