party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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