Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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