I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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