I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
