she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
