Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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