MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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