sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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