It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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