i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
