Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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