if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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