happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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