i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
