Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
