I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
