Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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