Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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