walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
