got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
