I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
