Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
