Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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