Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
