at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sext me about skeletons
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
