I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So apparently I’m into choking now
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize