Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
