My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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