Ketchup is God's man juice
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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