i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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