When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize