He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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