We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
