the condom got lost in my hair
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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