not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Dick very happy bro
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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