At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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