My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
