Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
