Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize