mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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