FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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