The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'd cum for enchiladas.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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