I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
