halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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