my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize