Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
