I'm gonna have a badass scar
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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