sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
