i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
