Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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