I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
