apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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