M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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