life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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