How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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