Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
