I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
